Thankfulness

On this eve of Thanksgiving, with all my precious kiddos tucked away for the night, I felt the need to express what I am thankful for.

 - I am thankful for each child God has blessed me with - their uniqueness and the special relationship I have with each one of them. Being their mom is my life's passion - its the best thing I have ever done and I am honored to be part of their lives.
- I am thankful for my family, who always have my back and are always willing to help me.  Life with them in it is a good thing!!
 -I am thankful for my amazing friends, who have seen me through good and bad times and are always there to laugh and cry with me.
 - I am thankful for lessons learned, although some have been very difficult, its those that shape and mold me into who GOD needs me to be.
 - I am thankful for what I don't have anymore, although at one time I thought it was something that I couldn't live without, I am finding that life is better than ever before and I am glad I trusted GOD through the journey.
 - I am thankful for the opportunity I am given everyday to LOVE people.  People who have been in my life forever, people who just entered my life and those that haven't yet crossed my path but will in the future.
 - I am thankful for the gifts that only come from GOD, humbleness, grace, mercy, forgiveness and HOPE.
 - I am thankful for my life and the opportunities I have to enjoy it.  I love that GOD gave me a beautiful story as my testimony - one filled with hardships, heartaches, triumphs and redemptions.

Happy Thanksgiving.

LOVE in a text message

It all started with an everyday text message that my daughter shared with me that her sweet boyfriend sent to her.  The text message was probably like most texts they share between themselves.  Lizzy and her sorority had been practicing for many long hours and for weeks to prepare for their performance at what is known as Pigskin during Baylor’s Homecoming Weekend. He simply asked if it was still possible for him to get a ticket to the performance on Friday night as he was thinking of coming into town to watch her perform.  No big deal right?  Then he followed it up with “Its important to you and you’ve put in a lot of hard work”.  Wow!  I mean Wow!  That simple text message she shared with me opened a gulf of emotions for me that for the next couple of days I had to swim through.  What struck me so profoundly about his words to her is his capacity (with his limited years on this earth) to love her – through being thoughtful as well as care about things that are important to her.  AND That is how I feel about all of my children.  If its important to them, then its important to me.  That’s love my friends. 

 This small expression from Lizzy’s boyfriend made me think deeply about the love I have for my children and what I believe TRUE Love to be.  And there is a difference between love and true love – maybe the latter should be called something different but for the purpose of this post that’s what we will go with.  Most use the term Love very loosely – I love Cheetos or I love my job and even some say I love my children.  But do you REALLY love??  Is it surface love, where the words are there but its void of any action or deep feelings?  Or is it the unadulterated, raw, exposed, deep level of love?  The kind of love that sends you to a country half way around the world, to adopt a child that you have only seen in pictures, the kind of love that drives 4.5 hours one way to see a 3 minute performance only to make the same drive home the next morning, the kind of love that LONGS to see the faces of your children all together at a dinner table, because eating together is one of the most personal expressions of love and family, the kind of LOVE that makes your heart ache when you are not with your child because he has moved away to follow his dream, or the kind of love that prays for their future spouses, that they will love them as purely as you do, or that wants them to have what you had growing up (an amazing involved father and/or an intact family) even though they may not know what they are missing – You WANT it for them!.  You occasionally hear people state – I would die for my kids.  Maybe so but would you pick up the phone and call them, find out about their life, be an active part of it – would you do that?  Those are the things that LOVE drives you to do on a daily basis.  Not very many people are ever faced with the option of having to die to save their children, but it’s the small inconsequential things in life that we miss that matter the most and that prove our Love to people (not just specifically our children)

Sitting with the deep realization of someone’s limited capacity to LOVE can be sobering.  Seeing your own capacity to love and love deeply is humbling.  And I mean the raw, vulnerable, exposed love at a level that can only come from GOD himself.  When we know GOD, he allows us to see a glimpse of his capacity to love us, even to love those that turn from him and that is overwhelming.  The expression of LOVE that GOD provided us in his son Jesus is played out in the smallest details of our life.  His love carries us through the mundane’s of everyday life – folding the clothes to caring for the dog, his love always finds us and picks us up at our lowest point and holds our heads above water until we can get a proper footing.  His love finds us at our most vulnerable and stands in the gap for us.  His love sends angels in the form of best friends to walk alongside of you in life.  His love impacts your heart and brings you to your knees and on your face to pray for those that hurt you and are lost – because you know that GOD stands in the gap for you so you must stand in the gap for those that don’t know him.  It’s GOD’s love living through you that calls you to action.  But here’s the best part… truly experiencing GOD’s love is the way to JOY in your life.  Even in the midst of trials and tribulations  - GOD’s love lets you experience the JOY.  It is so hard to articulate the love of GOD in a way that people can truly feel it – to make words come together to relay to its reader the awesomeness and all encompassing LOVE of Christ.  This was my feeble attempt,  as GOD’s love is deep – it makes my soul hurt – so much so that my body reacts with tears, so words just sometimes are not enough.  And to think it all started with a simple text message. 

 

 

P.S.  Most of my revelations from GOD are always related to my children, as he knows they are the gateway to my heart – He uses that to teach me and relate his message so clearly. 

Life Lessons

What a journey life is!  It is never quite what we expect or plan for. Over the past couple of years I have been learning so much about my life journey.  For many years in my life I wanted to forgo the hurt, pain and disappointment of life - I wanted to coast by with a smile on my face with everything being peaches and roses.  That, unfortunately (well fortunately - we will get to that in a minute) isn't how life is.  That philosophy kept me stuck in a very bad, unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage for way to long and frankly didn't hold water in theory or practice.  I refused to acknowledge that someone was repeatedly hurting me and did not want to deal with the ugliness of the situation - so I swallowed and stayed stuck.  BUT - there comes a time when every girl must put on her big girl panties and face the stark reality and deal with it.  So here is the fortunately part I mentioned - Life isn't peaches and roses.  In our failures, our broken relationships, our pain - there is learning, growth and healing - how amazing is that!  When we acknowledge that Bad is Bad or painful is painful then and only then can we fully experience the Good, the Happy, the Joyful and the Hopeful in life.

Through this journey my children have had to learn many life lessons.  Tough ones.  But the one thing I NEVER expected was that "the taught" has now become "the teacher."  Many months ago I distinctly remember telling my son that he was now the "constant" male figure in our lives.  That he would need to step in with the littles where his dad had stepped out.  That was really all to that conversation.  There was a head nod as I remember but no other fanfare or beating of his chest or telling me what he is going to do - just a simple head nod, acknowledging that he heard and that he's got this.  Christopher has now graduated college and moved home for what we know is a short time while he secures the next step in his life. (job or graduate school).  But he has not forgotten his commitment he gave me to step in where Keith had stepped out.  He has lovingly cared for his sisters.  He is generous with his time with them, swimming, playing video games and pokemon go, cooking for them and even teaching them to cook.  He has lovingly and patiently refereed many disagreements between Maddie and Mia, most times even better that I could.  Just recently I went to Christopher in a very low moment.  Tears were flowing and although he did not want to entertain the circumstances of what had transpired that brought me to tears - I asked him one simple question - What do I do?  He shrugged his shoulders and the short conversation was over.  Later that evening I received a text message from him, detailing his suggestions and strategies I could put in place to overcome my dilemma.  It read like a man with life experience beyond measure wrote those words.  In that moment our roles reversed and I was being taught and taught well, from a man who I taught well.   Over the past few days I have thought a lot about this particular situation of guidance Christopher gave me and took a step back and looked at his time with us at home as a whole and have a new perspective.  I think back to that simple nod, the no fanfare -  just him showing up the past 2 years (on vacations, at holidays and now at home) to do the job he knew he needed
to.  I think to myself - isn't that how Jesus came to this earth - quietly with no fanfare, to step in and do a job he knew we needed him to do for us.  Christopher has such an amazing spirit about him - one that models those things Jesus modeled for us and that makes me PROUD. 

Again, its through life's disappointments, hurt and pain that comes moments such as the one with my son, moments where I feel the love of my friends and family, moments where I see the hope in new friendships and relationships.  Do I like to experience those difficult times anymore than I use to - of course not - I am just learning that GOD uses ALL things to his Glory and that if we look hard we too can see the blessings, no matter how small, that come out of those circumstances.  They mold us and shape us into who GOD wants us to be and for that I am Grateful!

A special day for a special girl!

Time….  It goes by so quickly…. Especially when you have something to measure against it.

6 years ago the most amazing, tenacious, determined, ball of energy entered our lives, although she entered meekly, mildly, scared and unsure.  I'll never forget her frail frame and her scared little face, unsure of who we were, where she was going and what was happening in her little world.

Time… it changes things… it heals and it allows for growth …..

And boy has Maddie grown!  She has grown into a beautiful 8 year old.  One who is sensitive and caring but rough and tough.  I can't imagine my life without her.  She makes me want to be a better person and a better mom!  I love her more than words could ever express.  And today we celebrate that moment in time where our lives changed forever….  Maddie's GOTCHA Day.  And before the festivities began, I read my blog entry to her that I wrote 6 years ago and looked into her sweet face and told her how special she was and that GOD has a special purpose for her on this earth.

I cannot thank GOD enough for allowing me the privilege of being her mother.  What a wonderful day to celebrate (its my favorite celebration throughout the year).

Friends and family gathered to celebrate this milestone with us.  Although the BIGS could not be with us, we did FaceTime during our celebration.  Chinese food, in beautiful chinese dishes with a beautiful cupcake display made special for Maddie.  Nothing could be better.

Brave

I recently heard a song by Bethel Music that made me pause and think.  The song was called "You Make Me Brave".  The lyrics say -  

"You make me brave, you called me out beyond the shore into the waves."
"You make me brave, no fear can hinder now the promises you made."
"Because your love, in wave after wave, crashes over me. "
"For you are for us, you are not against us.  Champion of heaven you made a way."

I pondered that song and listened to it over and over again.  I concluded that GOD has made me Brave.  In the midst of my storm, he filled me with his promises, never left my side and pulled out of me the bravery he knew was there.  The bravery to face the difficult decisions, to forge ahead and make a new life for me and my children.

I recently gathered up all my kids during this Christmas break and decided it was time for new family pictures.  A symbol of what my new normal is - the face of what my family now looks like.  I use to be afraid of that picture.  The one where I am leading this amazing bunch of young people by myself.  I used to be scared that I could not do it - that without an intact family we were doomed.  GOD and his promises has helped me face my fears.  He has made me realize that He called me beyond my comfort zone into the waves, to strengthen my faith, my reliance on HIM - to a life of abundance and one that HE has prepared for me.  A life where GOD makes all wrongs right, where he uses ALL things to HIS glory.

I am BRAVE!  And as the old saying goes - the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree - so are my children BRAVE!

I LOVE our new family pictures!  I LOVE my family!

Hope in the New Year

And just like that… a new year rings and the calendar turns the page.  Its merely symbolic, but feels like much more, like a blank page - like the refresh button has been pushed and we get to begin again - with new choices, new friendships, new experiences.

Each year instead of making a new years resolution I choose a theme for the year.  2015 I did not choose a theme, as my life was in a bit of turmoil and looking back, the year seems to have had a direction of its own and I was only along for the ride.  2016 I am committed to having one that can focus the years perspective.  I have chosen an appropriate one for the next chapter of my life; HOPE.

The definition of HOPE as a verb (with action) is to have confidence and trust; to desire and consider the possible.  With all the heartache and difficult truths that have been revealed to me this past year that I have had to face - I choose HOPE - I choose to have confidence and trust my GOD, that he has amazing things for me in this new year.  I choose to consider the possibility that I will find fulfillment and love, and that I am worthy of those things.  I have HOPE that my beautiful children will be relatively unaffected by the choices of others and will take away valuable life lessons from 2015.

I don't want to look back anymore, I want to keep my eyes focused on the future.  I want a spirit of Adventure so that I can explore things that are new with an open mind and open heart.  Although my past experiences will never leave me as they shape and define who I am going forward - I want to HOPE for amazing things in the coming year.  I want to HOPE that GOD increases my territory and allows me to be an example to others of what HOPE can bring, the doors that it can open, the life it can restore!  HOPE, a small 4 letter word that can change someone's world.

Happy New Year!

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. Psalm 39:7